OUTER CHILD

Introducing your hidden nemesis: OUTER CHILD

WHAT IS OUTER CHILD?  

Outer Child, is the self-sabotaging nemesis of your personality - the part that breaks your diet and gets attracted to all the wrong people. 

Whereas your Inner child is all about feelings, Outer Child is all about behaviors - self defeating patterns.  

Outer Child acts out your inner child’s feelings - especially your abandonment feelings - without giving you, the adult, a chance to intervene.  When you feel hurt, angry, or insecure, Outer acts out these feelings in ways that sabotage your relationships. Stealthy and quick, Outer intercepts love before you even know what happened. 

MORE ABOUT OUTER CHILD...

200 SELF DEFEATING BEHAVIORS

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THE 200 ITEM OUTER CHILD INVENTORY -- MOST COMMON PATTERNS OF SELF SABOTAGE  

Zero in on your Self Defeating Patterns -- Discover your own Outer Child. 

This inventory is an eye-opening non-linear tool – a kaleidoscopic list of 200 or more common traits, charactistics, truisms, encapsulated awareness, and little telegrams of insight designed to help you.

Some of the behaviors in sabotaging relationships and ourselves are nearly universal. Others remind us more of our friends, enemies, and ex lovers.

The inventory is growing (thanks to your submissions) and not all traits relate to each person, but let it inspire you to spot your own Outer Child’s maneuvers. You can send your unique patterns to me and add to my anecdotal research about Outer Child.  

  1. We all have an Outer Child -- our hidden self saboteur -- "the devil on my shoulder" 

  2. Outer Child is the selfish, obstinate, impulsive, self-centered part of all of us.

  3. Outer Child acts out your inner child’s feelings, especially its abandonment feelings.

  4. Outer Child encompasses all of the outward signs of your inner child’s vulnerability – the scars, the warts, the defenses that manifest outwardly.

  5. Outer Child actively ignores you, especially when you try to tell it what to do, like “Go to the gym.” Outer just goes right on eating potato chips and lounging in front of the television.

  6. Outer Child wears many disguises, especially in public. Since other people's outer children are usually well hidden, you may have thought you were the only one with an outer child.

  7. Outer Child is the hidden “Chuckie” of the personality. Even the nicest people we know can act like an eight year old with a full blown conduct disorder (perhaps not in public) when they feel rejected, dismissed, abandoned.

  8. Outer Child is sandwiched between the inner child and the adult.

  9. Outer Child steps right in and takes over when we least expect it. You have every intention of handling a particular situation in a mature, adult manner, but Outer handles things its own way and leaves you holding the bag. Like, you decide to calmly express a grievance to a friend, but Outer gets worked up and starts bringing up the past and creating a drama.

  10. Outer Child interferes between Big You and Little You. It blocks the perfectly decent relationship you could otherwise have with your self. In other words, it blocks self-love.   

Send me your Outer Child Issues          Fill out our Checklist

Inventory continued...

 Send me your Outer Child Issues          Fill out our Outer Child Checklist!  

11.  Outer Child has a hole in its pocket when it comes to either anger or money.  Outer must spend it.

 

12.  Outer Child is in everyone because we all have emotions that trigger automatic defense mechanisms and learned responses.   

 

13.  Outer Child is like the annoying older brother who constantly interferes in your life in the guise of protecting (overprotecting) you.

 

14.  Outer Child is developmentally between eight and twelve.  Self-centeredness is age-appropriate for Outer Child.

 

15.  Outer Child is your own personal wolf dressed up in Little Red Riding Hood’s clothing.  If you look closely enough, you see Outer’s whiskers sticking out. 

 

16.  Outer Child goes undercover in public.  Some people are better able to hide their Outer Child than others.  Of course, some Outer Children are easier to hide than others.

 

17.  Outer Child becomes most powerful when there is an internal disconnect between head and heart – between your Adult Self and Inner Child.

 

18.  Outer Child loves chocolate and convinces you that it’s good for your heart.  Likewise with wine.  

 

19.  Outer Child is most able to dominate your personality when you’re going through a vulnerable time.  Stress energizes Outer Child.  People with extremely stressful, traumatic childhoods tend to have very stressed out inner children and therefore very active Outer Children.  Some people are ALL Outer Child. 

 

20.  Outer Child throws temper tantrums and goes off in tirades if feels even slightly criticized, rejected, or abandoned.

 

21.  Outer Child is a puppeteer.  If you’re not a strong enough adult, it will pull all your strings.

 

22.  Outer Child is OUT of control.  Outer Child is Dennis the Menace.

 

23.  Outer Child acts up when you are tired, cranky, hungry.  Stress arouses Outer Child. 

 

24.  Outer Child thrives on denial.  Denial is how Outer defends itself.  

 

25.  Outer Child doesn’t like to do things that are good for you. 

 

26.  Outer Child would rather do something that will make you fat or broke than thin or fiscally responsible. 

 

27.  Outer Child talks about your friends behind their back.

 

28.  Outer Child hates it when your friends talk about you behind your back. 

 

29.  Outer Child represents the defense mechanisms.  If you happen to think of personality as a defense, then, Outer Child would represent the personality. 

 

30.  Outer Child can't hide from your spouse or children.  They get to see it in action.   That is what nuclear family is all about: the mutual exposure of your Outer Children.  

 

31.  Outer Child’s favorite disguises is 'compliance.'  Outer uses compliance to confuse others into thinking that it doesn't want to take control.  But don't be fooled – Outer Child is a control freak, even if a subtle one. 

 

32.  Outer Child acts pure and innocent to show other people up. 

 

33.  Outer Child has OPD – obnoxious personality disorder.

 

34.  Outer Child can become so obstreperous at times, you wish you could ship it off to “Outer Child Care.” 

 

35.  Outer Child can’t commit in relationships because it’s always ‘looking to trade up.’

 

36.  Outer Child has ‘bigger is better syndrome.’

 

37.  Outer Child goes in for quick fixes and feeds its emotional hunger with things like shopping, sex, sugar that in the end leave you more in-need.

 

38.  Outer Child is emotionally disturbed at times.   Outer’s excuse is that it’s only reacting to what you’ve been through (this may be true), but don’t blame Outer; it doesn't take well to criticism. 

 

39.  Outer Child is negatively attracted to the faults of others.  Criticizing others is one of Outer’s most socially off-putting features. 

 

40.  Outer Child projects its faults on your mate. 

 

41.  Outer Child projects its shortcomings onto your children. 

 

42.  Outer Child is famous for “taking other people’s inventory.” 

 

43.  Outer Child is Queen of Da Nile.  Denial is Outer’s favorite defense.  If all else fails, just deny it. 

 

44.  Outer Child needs to keep you in denial so it can continue doing what it wants to do. 

 

45.  Outer Child takes revenge against the Self.  It sees itself apart from Self and creates a schism between Big You and Little You whenever an opening presents itself – that is, whenever you lose touch with your feelings. 

 

46.  Outer Child loves to tattle.  Badmouthing someone and exposing shortcomings is deeply satisfying to Outer Child.

 

47.  Outer Child can see everybody else’s shortcomings but its own. 

 

48.  Outer Child thrives on chaos, loves crisis, and lives to create drama.

 

49.  Outer Child enjoys playing the victim, that is, when not playing the martyr. 

 

50.  Outer Child enjoys making the other person wrong.  Outer sometimes makes the other person pay for the wrong (though they are probably innocent).

 

51.  Outer Child distracts you when you’re trying to get something done. 

 

52.  Outer Child is a world class procrastinator.

 

53.  Outer Child makes huge messes that take forever to clean up.

 

54.  Outer Child makes you late for appointments. 

 

55.  Outer Child loses things and blames it one of your children.  

 

56.  Outer Child can find an excuse for anything.

 

57.  Outer Child goes off to make a phone or run to the mall call instead of letting you finish what you’re doing. 

 

58.  Outer Child tries to look cool and makes you look foolish. 

 

59.  Outer Child wears a mini skirt at 65.

 

60.  Outer Child is the 'yes but' of the personality.

 

61.  Outer Child is reactive rather than active or reflective.  It is defensive rather than open to feedback, self-justifying rather than self-aware. 

 

62.  Outer Child is never wrong and must never be told so, or it will bite someone’s head off. 

 

63.  Outer Child hates asking for either help or directions.  It would rather get you frustrated or lost. 

 

64.  Outer Child explodes when it encounters difficulties with its own abilities, such as when you’re trying to assemble the new barbeque grill.  Inner Child is feeling inadequacy, arousing the latent fear of being deemed unworthy of love and left behind – a primitive fear residual of our Clan-of-the-Cave-Bear days when banishment meant death. 

 

65.  Outer Child has a favorite feeling: anger.  In fact, all of the other feelings like sadness, hurt, loneliness…well, they all make Outer angry. 

 

66.  Outer Child acts like a tyrant, but is secretly a coward, afraid to assert its needs appropriately.

 

67.  Outer Child splits its personality between home and office. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – nice at work, a tyrant at home – or vise versa. 

 

68.  Outer Child under-reacts when a friend steps on your toes.  Outer pretends to be gracious: “Oh, that’s all right…” but holds onto the anger for the next twenty years.

 

69.  Outer Child specializes in blame. If it has an uncomfortable feeling, somebody must be at fault.

 

70.  Outer Child is a people pleaser with ulterior motives. It will give others the shirt off your back.  But what does it expect in return?  Everything. 

 

71.  Outer Child is not old enough to care about others (in spite of its considerable acting skills).  Only the adult can do that.

 

72.  Outer Child tests the people it looks to for security – to the limits. 

 

73.  Outer Child tests new significant others with emotional games.  One of its favorite is playing hard-to-get.  Outer Child thinks hard-to-get makes it more loveable, even when it leaves your partner confused and agitated.

 

74.  Outer Child is the addict, the alcoholic, the one who runs at the mouth, runs up your credit cards – the one who overdoes everything.

 

75.  Outer Child’s favorite emotion. Anger is energizing.  And self-justifying. 

 

76.  Outer Child is charged to DO something about anything that makes you angry.  Anger is Outer’s excuse to strike out. 

 

77.  Outer Child, when angry, can become blood thirsty, its rampage fueled by adrenaline and other brain chemicals that increase your impulsivity and decrease your reasoning capacity. 

 

78.  Outer Child reacts to all pain with anger.  Anger is secondary emotion.  When you stub your toe, it hurts.  Pain.  You scream in anger because you’re angry at the pain. 

 

79.  Outer Child reacts to emotional pain this way also (i.e. your lover is withholding). Outer directs its anger at the person triggering it or any inanimate object that gets in your way. 

 

80.  Outer Child uses crying as a manipulation.  But this ploy is so automatic, primitive, and unconscious, that if you call out Outer on it, it becomes indignant and cries louder. 

 

81.  Outer Child criticizes others to keep the heat off of itself. 

 

82.  Outer Child uses almost any diversionary tactic, no matter now convoluted or unattractive, to keep your vulnerability out of sight. 

 

83.  Outer Child has a phony laugh to cover up stray feelings.

 

84.  Outer Child is passive aggressive.

 

85.  Outer Child doesn’t have enough self-control to delay gratification and do the right thing. 

 

86.  Outer Child’s favorite mottos: Buy now, pay tomorrow.  Cake now, diet tomorrow.

 

87.  Outer Child’s mission is to avoid your having to feel inner child’s feelings, especially feelings like hurt, loneliness, disappointment or abandonment.

 

88.  Outer Child can't stand waiting, especially when waiting for a new lover to call.

 

89.  Outer Child takes your lovers as emotional hostages.

 

90.  Outer Child expects a new lover to compensate it for all of the hurts and betrayals inflicted by old relationships dating all the way back to childhood.

 

91.  Outer Child springs into action when it doesn’t get acceptance or approval. 

 

92.  Outer Child will demand, defy, deceive, ignore, balk, manipulate, seduce, pout, whine, and retaliate when it can’t get someone’s loving attention. 

 

93.  Outer Child doesn’t see the above as contradictions.  

 

94.  Outer Child uses people places and things as props in its own melodrama. 

 

95.  Outer Child takes internal feelings and creates circumstances in the outside world that manages to externalize them.  

 

96.  Outer Child insists on an unreliable car which breaks down a lot, so it can displace your internal feelings of helplessness and frustration on the old rattletrap or your incompetent mechanic. 

 

97.  Outer Child gets hooked on lovers who cheat, so when you catch them, rather than  find someone more trustworthy, Outer revels in righteous indignation and get to scream your bloody guts out. 

 

98.  Outer Child chooses substitutes for the parent who made you feel abandoned in childhood.

 

99.  Outer Child’s constant trouble-making motivates you to get stronger – to become a better adult.  That’s how your adult self gains power – by wresting it away from Outer.

 

100.    Outer Child happens to be an award winning actor who believes its own act.  You’re not always sure if this is the real you or your Outer Child disguised as you.  This makes it hard to recognize the true face of your own Outer Child or anyone else’s. 

 

101.    Outer Child wants to skip the work involved in any self-improvement plan and get straight to the benefits. 

 

102.    Outer Child wants everything the easy way – in pill form if possible – rather than have to DO something constructive like perform the behavioral steps of a linear process.  

 

103.    Outer Child remains idle, holding out for the next magic pill.

 

104.    Outer Child believes catharsis is a magic pill and gets you to wait (in vain) for a ‘break-through’ rather than let you work on changing your behavior.

 

105.    Outer Child balks at going through any process that takes time.  It tries to convince you that to change behavior, awareness is enough – that insight alone will change you– that it’s not necessary to have to actually DO anything differently.

 

106.    Outer Child believes that to change, all you have to do is sit and read and talk and think about yourself and your behavior patterns will spontaneously change for the better and you will turn your life into a bowl of cherries. 

 

107.    Outer Child has a covert agenda: it works unconsciously to maintain your patterns.  Becoming aware of your Outer Child defenses helps you readjust the mechanisms causing the dysfunction.  Outer reacts to this by trying even harder to reinstate these patterns.

 

108.    Outer Child gets right in the middle when we try to start a new relationship and acts over-needy. 

 

109.    Outer Child may be found in our mates.  Sometimes we marry a person who acts out our own forbidden Outer Child wishes – sometimes this boomerangs and our mate’s Outer acts out against US. 

 

110.    Outer Child may be found in our children’s behavior.  When we get into power struggles with our actual children, we find ourselves battling our own Outer Child (because our real-life children aggravate our Outer Child).  Sometimes we secretly encourage our real children to fulfill our hidden 0uter Child needs.  They act out the anger we can’t own up to. 

 

111.    Outer Child strives for its own self interest while pretending to protect Little You.  But Outer wants one thing only – its own way. Outer is devoted to its own self-interests.  Some of us hide this selfish part better than others.

 

112.    Outer Child plays selfless to cover up selfish desires. 

 

113.    Outer Child bristles when someone accuses you of being selfish. This means Outer’s disguise isn’t concealing enough.  (Your inner child is afraid people won’t like you if they can see your selfishness.)   

 

114.    Outer Child has searing insight into other people’s self-centeredness, but not its own.       

115.    Outer Child is jealous when other people fee entitled to display their selfishness openly.   Outer watches from the sidelines, weighed down by its selfless armor. 

 

116.    Outer Child can be very cunning, putting its best foot forward when pursuing a new partner.  It can act the picture of altruism, decency, kindness, and tolerance. 

 

117.    Outer Child can also be seductive, funny, charming, full of life, and pretends to be interested in the other person’s feelings. Then when Outer succeeds in catching its prey, it suddenly becomes cold, critical, unloving, and sexually withholding. 

 

118.    Outer makes us pity the person willing to love us. 

 

119.    Outer Child gets a headache just on time for the boudoir.

 

120.    Outer Child enjoys breaking rules.  Your best friends may have very dominant Outer Children, which makes them a lot of fun to hang out with.

 

121.    Outer Child strives for independence through misguided efforts like power-struggling with You!  You wish your Outer Child would get its act together enough to leave home.  Wish away, but don’t count on it.  (Unless you follow the program.)

 

122.    Outer Child gains strength during dormant periods when you’re between relationships.  Then, when you become interested in a new person, Outer swoops in and acts out your insecurity in convoluted, embarrassing ways that jeopardize everything. 

 

123.    Outer Child tries to defeat the two major tasks of intimacy: Task one is to get your inner child to become friends with your mate’s inner child. Task two is to make sure you don’t take each other’s Outer Children too personally.  But Outer prefers to beat up on your mate’s inner child and go head to head with her Outer Child.  

 

124.    Outer Child identifies with Groucho Marx: It would never join any club that would have you as a member. 

 

125.    Outer Child has enough vanity and pride to try conquering an emotionally dangerous lover, one who is potentially rejecting, distancing, and abandoning. 

 

126.    Outer Child thinks emotionally unavailable people are sexy. 

 

127.    Outer Child is attracted to people’s form rather than substance.  Outer finds status more attractive than integrity or kindness. 

 

128.    Outer Child can’t resist the emotional candy of a hard-to-get-lover.  This goes against what’s good for your inner child who needs someone capable of giving love, nurturance, and commitment.  But since when has Outer Child ever cared about what’s good for Little You?

 

129.    Outer Child refuses to learn from mistakes.  It insists upon ‘doing the same things over and over and expecting different results’ (slogan from Alcoholics Anonymous).

 

130.    Outer Child locks horns with your mate’s Outer Child.  The two Outer Children try to control each other’s behavior, which is hopeless and can become very loud.  Your best bet is to find something for your Outer Children to do other than interfere in the relationship. If you can’t ignore them, send them out to play.

 

131.    Outer Child gained strength during times of isolation, loss, disappointment, and abandonment – when there was no one available to mitigate your pain.  That’s when Outer Child stepped up its defense mechanisms.

 

132.    Outer Child is defeated by consciousness, thrives on unconsciousness.

 

133.    Outer Child’s motivation is what clinicians call ‘unconscious motivation.’  

 

134.    Outer Child is Crusader Rabbit, but with ulterior motives. 

 

135.    Outer Child believes laws and ethics are for everybody else.           

 

136.    Outer Child obeys rules only to avoid getting caught.

 

137.    Outer Child can dish it out but can't take it.    

 

138.    Outer Child is holier than thou.

 

139.    Outer Child beats up on other people's inner children – especially the inner child of a significant other. Outer also bullies your own inner child. 

 

140.    Outer Child tries to get self esteem by proxy – that is, by trying to attract people who have more status or bigger egos.  Outer likes to be liked by a big shot.

 

141.    Outer Child can deliver a subtle but powerful blow if it perceives a social slight, no matter how small.

 

142.    Outer Child can express anger by becoming inconveniently passive. 

 

143.    Outer Child finds someone who is committed and attached – someone easy to take for granted – and then treats him badly. Why?  Outer doesn’t have to defend against the constant fear of being abandoned. Your inner child’s fear of abandonment was the only reason Outer developed a pleasing persona.  When this fear is dormant, its true persona rears its head.

 

144.    Outer Child keeps up an endless protest against any reality it doesn’t want to accept.

 

145.    Outer Child can stay in protest mode no matter how much you try to let go, accept a loss, or face an unwanted reality. 

 

146.    Outer Child protests against homework, returning library books, taxes, rejection, global warming, and death. 

 

147.    Outer Child refuses to stay on the rock (reference to Black Swan: 12 Lessons of Abandonment Recovery), unlike Little You.  Outer climbs down and picks up a hatchet and goes on the war path.

 

148.    Outer Child has a chip on its shoulder which it disguises as assertiveness.  Outer Child becomes ‘Outa.’

 

149.    Outer Child (Outa) develops a ‘tude’ to keep people at bay.  It’s trying to overprotect your inner child’s feelings of loneliness and vulnerability. 

 

150.    Outer Child hides its thorns when it wants to and can smell like a rose. 

 

151.    Outer Child has been gaining strength since the terrible twos. Its development got stuck somewhere between eight and twelve – the age when you no longer took rejection, dismissal, or neglect sitting down.  Outer will continue to gain power until your adult self gains enough strength to tame its behavior.   The program helps you drastically lower your Outer Child-to-Adult ratio.

 

152.    Outer Child doesn't obey the golden rule. 

 

153.    Outer Child obeys its own 'Outer Child' rule:  Get others to treat you as you want to be treated, and treat others as feel like treating them. 

 

154.    Outer Child needs to be disciplined, but don’t expect limit-setting to go smoothly.

 

155.     Outer Child provokes anger in subtle ways, then accuses the other person of being abusive.

 

156.    Outer Child loves to play the injured party.

 

157.     Outer Child submits so it can seethe at being dominated.

 

158.     Outer Child is master at making the other person look like the bad guy.  Outer knows how to wear the white hat cocked at a jaunty angle.

 

159.    Outer Child is emotionally allergic to triangles, especially when you’re caught in a triangle between someone you love and someone they love (such as your partner’s daughter from his first marriage or your girlfriend’s ongoing ‘friendship’ with her former boyfriend).  Triangles get Outer all bent out of shape. When your inner child feels jealous and threatened, it triggers your Outer Child to go haywire and make you look like a nutcase.  That’s when you know you’ve been triangulated.

 

160.    Outer Child is a self-trasher. Outer hopes other people will come to its rescue.

 

161.    Outer Child is empowered by self abandonment.

 

162.    Outer Child has a default diet – comfort food.  Outer is addicted to carbs. 

 

163.    Outer Child likes to see itself as a freedom fighter, but while it’s off raising hell, you wind up in shackles. 

 

164.    Outer Child tries to speak for Little You.  You think you’re tuning into your feelings, but you’re really listening to Outer Child trying to manipulate you.

 

165.    Outer Child seeks emotional salve from others.

 

166.    Outer Child is highly principled: it scrupulously obeys the pleasure principle.

 

167.    Outer Child is a hedonist.

 

168.    Outer Child finds that satisfying the sweet tooth is the most immediate way to get pleasure – it’s instantaneous.   

 

169.    Outer Child is a champion of pleasure and will valiantly smuggle cookies to your bedroom, especially when you’re dieting.   

 

170.    Outer Child is a fairness junky.  It fights for what it considers fair.  Outer has been known to commit injustices (and declare war) in the name of fairness. 

 

171.    Outer Child springs into action when it senses someone recoiling; it gets to practice what it knows best – its excellent groveling skills. Practicing this game of approach-avoidance “scratches the itch” of your old abandonment wounds, but it leaves your inner child hurting from bigger blisters. 

 

172.    Outer Child believes that when heartbroken, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else (paraphrased from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love).

 

173.    Outer Child can become so shrill that people can’t tell whether you’re whining or secretly having an orgasm. 

 

174.    Outer Child loves to associate with other Outer Children so that it can satisfy all of its indulgences without feeling guilty. 

 

175.    Outer Child turns your life into ‘Ferris Beuler Day’s off.’

 

176.    Outer Child uses projection as a defense.  Outer projects your shortcomings onto other people to keep the focus off of itself.

 

177.    Outer Child is an environmentalist when it comes to a ‘good catch’ – it just likes to tag them and then throw them back in (submitted by workshop member at Esalen Institute in 2006). 

 

178.    Child loves to shrug and say, ‘Whatever…” but this is disingenuous.  It is trying to get people to let their guards down to gain control of the situation. Your inner child is afraid of getting beaten in a power struggle, so your Outer Child pretends it has no preferences. But all the while it’s fastidiously keeping score. 

 

179.    Outer Child believes what it wants to believe. It has a wishbone where it should have a backbone (paraphrased from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love).

 

180.    Outer Child is always looking for love insurance and refuses to believe there is no such thing.   

 

181.    Outer Child might chase after someone who is very hard up and become his ‘caretaker’ in hopes of becoming so valuable that the poor slob will never want to leave you. But this strategy of ‘having the edge’ backfires like all of Outer’s other schemes (the other person resents feeling ‘obligated’ and ‘less-than’) and you wind up abandoned (again). 

 

182.    Outer Child is a perfectionist. Your Adult Self has a hard time reasoning with this nit-picking perfectionist. 

 

183.    Outer Child’s perfectionism has strings attached.  It’s a form of bargaining.  It’s saying, “If I’m perfect enough, I deserve to be rewarded.”

 

184.    Outer Child’s perfectionism contains a built-in vice grip; if you don’t get rewarded, Outer’s iron fist may protrude through its velvet glove. 

 

185.    Outer Child prepares for a dinner party by ripping through your closet searching for something perfect.  Clothes you liked yesterday are suddenly unacceptable.  You bite anyone’s head off (family member) that comes near you – because you need to be perfect.

 

186.    Outer Child refuses to accept the simple fact that you, like everyone else, has imperfections, inadequacies, lackings, and shortcomings.  We are all bent twigs.  The knuckles, knots, and bends in our twigs are what give each of us our special contours and distinctiveness.  Nope. Outer wants to be free of knuckles and knots – perfect.

 

187.    Outer Child is an egotist who tries to hide it in all sorts of disguises like altruism, moral superiority, righteous indignation, benevolence. 

 

188.    When Outer does something spiteful, it hides behind altruism, moral superiority, righteous indignation, and benevolence. 

 

189.    Outer Child can be self-spiteful– make you miserable in order to punish someone else.  For instance, Outer can keep you heartbroken forever just to prove the injustice of the breakup.  Outer puts you through all of this because it thinks being miserable is a way to get even with your ex.  It is behaving like a spoiled, self-spiteful brat toward You, the adult, just to say “So there!” to your ex.  As illogical, primitive, and totally self-defeating as you know this to be, Outer goes right on perpetrating its siege of self-spite, undeterred.  (Self-spite is what young children do – an early sign of a fledgling Outer Child). 

 

190.    Outer Child is attracted to People, Places, and Things in the world of form.  Outer belongs almost exclusively to the form world. 

 

191.    Outer Child prefers form to substance. In fact, Outer can’t appreciate substance unless it’s wrapped in impressive form.  Outer is impressed with form.

 

192.    Outer Child is impressed with people’s confidence because confidence has good form.  Outer can’t recognize someone’s intelligence, competence, or wisdom unless it is conveyed with charisma and confidence.  Some of the wisest people convey neither charisma nor confidence, but instead may evince a searching, self-effacing demeanor, so thanks to Outer Child culture, they go unrecognized.

 

193.    Outer Child’s attachment to form leaves Little You in jeopardy of being surrounded with false truths, substitute fulfillments, and counterfeit love. 

 

194.    Outer Child springs from the mammalian brain.

 

195.    Outer Child writes your life with the blunt instrument. 

 

196.    Outer Child is visually triggered and primed to follow the herd. It is instinct-bound, driven by the need for immediate gratification, and hell bent on satisfying your primal emotions. 

 

197.    Outer Child reacts to abandonment with rage.  When love is involved, abandonment rage can trigger Outer Child’s most destructive, dangerous, and self-justifying behaviors.  In fact, abandonment rage has been responsible for most of the infamous murder-suicides so often grabbing headlines.

 

198.    Outer Child’s behavior ranges from mild self-sabotage all the way to criminal destructiveness.

 

199.    Outer Child can gain control so early that the individual doesn’t develop any true empathy or compassion for himself or others. The extreme Outer Child is a sociopath.

 

200.    Outer Child needs to be understood, owned, and overruled by an airtight coalition between your inner child and your adult self. 

 

201.    Outer Child holds the key to change.  Inner child beholds your emotional truth but can’t change (because it’s developmentally too young to overcome its passivity).  When you catch your Outer Child red-handed, wrest the key from its hands and unlock your future.

 

202.    Outer Child becomes your friend and ally. But first you have to help it reach maturity by mentoring, teaching, and guiding its prodigious energy. 

 

I hope this inventory inspired you to get in touch with your Outer Child.  Would you like to send your own unique patterns to me?   I also invite you to fill out our Outer Child Checklist, and if you wish, send it to me as well.

 

 

HELP FOR SELF SABOTAGE - Healing Unresolved Abandonment

THERE'S LOTS OF HELP TO OVERCOME SELF-SABOTAGE AND HEAL YOUR ABANDONMENT WOUNDS

Dear Recovering Outer Children and Abandonment Survivors:

To conquer self sabotage, there are many options.

You can get up close and personal by attending one of Susan's life-changing workshops. Susan is the author of 4 books on abandonment and its aftermath of self-sabatoge. Outer Child is a manifestation of unresolved abandonment. Workshops allow you to work directly with psychotherapist Susan Anderson in a safe, supportive, sharing, inisprirational setting. (See Susan's Workshop Schedule) You practice Outer Child / Abandonment Recovery techniques. You can also use these self help tools to run your own support groups.

For professionals, workshops provide experiential training, with CEU's offered.

You can also follow the exercises in Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Patterns of Self Sabotage - a book whose insight, self help exercises and power tools transforms your life. These exercises work like physical therapy of the brain to incrementally transform your life.

Or join (or start) an Abandonment / Outer Child support group and let positive peer pressure propel you forward. You can also use the "member center" at our sister site – abandonment.net. Our sister site also gives you instructions for setting up support groups, 50 topic questions, WORKBOOK download, and more...

Another option is to contact the author for individual therapy or consultations (on a limited basis).

So go for it! Ovrcome self sabotage and heal the underlying wound of abandonment:

Find a Support Group Near You

SELF HELP GROUPS FOR OVERCOMING SELF SABOTAGE AND ABANDONMENT: Support for Taming Outer Child and Healing Your Abandonment Issues

Dear Recovering Outer Children and Abandonment Survivors,

Of course, you belong together -- Abandonment leads to patterns of self sabotage and vice versa. (See Susan's Workshop Schedule

By getting involved in Outer Child / Abandonment support groups (and setting up abandoholics anonymous groups) you are helping each other heal your collective wounds which give rise to self defeat, love addiction, low self esteem, chasing the emotionally unavailable, patterns of abandonment, heartache, problems in relationships, poor choices, and more.

Outer Child groups gain their depth and dynamic from zeroing in on the issue of abandonment – the source of most self-defeating patterns.

Creating Outer Child / Abandonment groups is as easy as following a recipe. Groups can be facilitated on a peer-to-peer basis. An easy-to-follow self-help format and 50 topic questions are available – enough to keep your groups running for a year or more.

You can also get Training in Outer Child and Abandonment Recovery techniques from the author. Attend one of Susan Anderson’s workshops.

Go to our sister site, www.AbandonmentMembers.com:

        • find a group in your area

         • post your interest in joining or starting a group so others can find you

         • download the self-help format and 50 topic questions for setting up groups

         • download WORKBOOK for step-by-step exercises for Outer Child - Abandonment Recovery, Akeru, 12 steps of emotional and spiritual healing, S.W.I.R.L., more.

For Mental Health Professionals

Additional services for therapists include:

         • post your professional services so prospective clients can find you.

         • download 25 Professional Group Recipes. You’ll find lots of additional clinical information.About postings:  All visitors to these sites can view your postings; whereas only members can post.

Outer Child / Abandonment Therapy

THERAPY FOR HEALING ABANDONMENT AND OVERCOMING SELF SABOTAGE

Susan Anderson psychotherapist provides therapy specific to abandonment and outer child issues on a limited basis. Her private practice is located in Huntington Long Island and Manhattan. (See Susan's Workshop Schedule)

Those unable to travel to New York can request a phone session (or, for people overseas, email sessions may be helpful).

If you are requesting a private session with Susan, write to her.

Before requesting a phone or email session, please read the disclaimer below so you can weigh its potential benefits against the costs and limitations. Susan will respond to you as soon as time becomes available.

PHONE SESSION DISCLAIMER
Phone (or email) sessions can be an adjunct to psychotherapy and/or group support and can augment your overall program, but cannot replace direct human contact- the cornerstone of healing abandonment and overcoming your maladaptive behaviors. Healing comes through deepening your connection to others and making new significant connections that are emotionally nourishing. I encourage you to become actively engaged in your own personal psychotherapy, self help groups, and other supportive programs where there is face to face contact. Before requesting phone session, please weigh the potential benefit against the limitations and costs.

Phone sessions cannot substitute as therapy for individuals who require professional counsel to ensure their well being and stability.

Professional Training

PROFESSIONAL TRAINING: TECHNIQUES TO HEAL ABANDONMENT AND OVERCOME SELF SABOTAGE 

Susan Anderson psychotherapist and author, trains professionals in Outer Child / Abandonment Recovery techniques. The training is experiential: You learn by performing exercises and sharing feedback within a supportive group setting. (See Susan's Workshop Schedule

Susan creates a safe, open, working, life-changing process within the group. Through training you:

Target Outer Child patterns of self sabotage. Outer Child is an overarching concept that encompasses defense mechanisms, character traits, knee-jerk reactions, habits and compulsions – all of your maladaptive behaviors.

      • Identify emotional triggers.

      • Connect dots between automatic defenses and primal abandonment fear.

      • Learn exercises that redirect attachment energy toward learning healthy new “automatic” behaviors.

      • Practice using new power tools to break through obstacles and propel you forward.

Abandonment component:

Through advanced training you learn to:

      • Discern acute abandonment crisis from chronic patterns such as mood or anxiety disorders, as well as long standing outer child patterns of self-sabotage.

      • Distinguish normal (albeit intense) abandonment grief from the onset of major depression

      • Identify acute symptoms of the emotional crisis of abandonment, including:

           Re-emerging symbiotic feelings

           Increased risk-taking

           Neglected self-care

          Anorexia

          Suicidality

          Panic

          Need to self-medicate

          Borderline regression and other forms of acting out

     • Identify chronic (versus acute) symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. In "Journey from Abandonment to Healing (pages 41-42)" I outline a complete list of abandonment’s posttraumatic symptoms, which comprise what I have come to call the “outer child syndrome.”

           Outer Child Post Traumatic Syndrome:

           Difficulty forming primary relationships

           Rejection-sensitivity

           Poor self-image

           Addiction

           Co-addiction

           Chronic insecurity.

      • Help clients work through tendency to get caught up in outer child patterns such as abandoholism or abandophobism, or stuck in one the five stages of abandonment grief.

     • Deal with the intense transference that our clients exhibit during their abandonment crises including (when their Outer Children are most triggered):

           Over-dependence upon therapist

           Hostility

           Missing appointments

           Unrealistic expectations toward therapeutic process, etc.

     • Discern client’s tendency to temporarily revert to default defenses, i.e. becoming over-controlling toward the abandoner, punitive, self-abdicating, and outer child maneuvers.

     * Help the still fragile, narcissistically injured abandonment survivor move beyond protest, blame, self-denial, and acting out, and on toward emotional self-reliance, behavioral change, and increased capacity for love.

     * Learn effective new tools experientially within the safety and open sharing of a supportive group process.

BOOKS & BLOGS for Overcoming Self Sabotage and Abandonment Issues

Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program To Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns

Outer Child is a revolutionary power tool that breaks through your most entrenched patterns of self-sabotage. Learn all about your self-defeating behaviors, automatic defense mechanisms, compulsions, addictions, and bad habits – where they come from, why they are so hard to break, and how to dismantle them.  This book guides you step by step through hands-on exercises that work like physical therapy for the brain to promote profound change and reach goals you thought you’d given up on. Hardcover

Amazonhttp://amzn.com/1608683141

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/taming-your-outer-child-susan-anderson/1119510073?ean=9781608683147

Indiebound: http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780345514486
ebook

Other Retailers: http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780345514486&view=oonline#ebooks

 

WORKBOOK: The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection (Berkley Trade)

Expanding on the ideas set forth in Anderson's first book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, this follow-up is a workshop in abandonment recovery-to help develop trust, build new relationships, and learn to love again. Inspired by her ever-growing readership, The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection offers accessible techniques, guidelines, and signposts for healing.

A manual for individual or support group use, it includes exercises that the author has tested and developed throughout her years of expertise in abandonment recovery. Purchase Workbook

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

Like Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's groundbreaking On Death and Dying, Susan Anderson's book clearly defines the five phases of a different kind of grieving--grieving over a lost relationship. An experienced professional who has specialized in helping people with loss, heartbreak, and abandonment for more than two decades, Susan Anderson gives this subject the serious attention it deserves. The Journey From Abandonment to Healing is designed to help all victims of emotional breakups--whether they are suffering from a recent loss, or a lingering wound from the past; whether they are caught up in patterns that sabotage their own relationships, or they're in a relationship where they no longer feel loved. From the first stunning blow to starting over, it provides a complete program for abandonment recovery. Purchase Book

Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery (Rock Foundations Press)

BLACK SWAN is a form of biblio-therapy. You gain emotional benefit by reading and enjoying a simple story, all the while experiencing the 12 steps of emotional and spiritual healing -- the actual steps involved in overcoming the loss of a love. You learn to discover your center, cleanse your abandonment wound, build your sense of self, and make a new connection to love. Purchase Book

Abandonment Leads to Self Sabotage

UNRESOLVED HEARTBREAK, LOSS AND ABANDONMENT LEAD TO OUTER CHILD PATTERNS: What to do? 

Do You Have Abandonment Issues? Do you have love addiction?  How do Your Old Abandonment Wounds Lead to Self-sabotage? HELP IS AVAILABLE!  

Abandonment has everything to do with Outer Child patterns – how your patterns of self sabotage developed and how to overcome them. That's why we invite you to visit our sister site abandonment.net or the Help Center Help Center from Abandonment.net from that site. If you want to overcome your most deeply entrenched self-defeating patterns, you must heal your abandonment wounds.

See Susan's Workshop Schedule  

No, you don’t need 500 hours of psychoanalysis.  You just need to learn how to use the program’s power tools – easy-to-perform exercises that you incorporate into your daily life.  They are like physical therapy for the brain.  As you practice them, you see change – and heal from the inside out. 

I developed Outer Child (along with fellow psychotherapist Peter Yelton ACSW) when I was writing my first book on abandonment, looking for ways to help people overcome the aftermath of heartbreak and loss – those pesky patterns of behavior that interfere in our relationships.

Outer Child’s strong connection to abandonment is because most of Outer’s patterns were born during earlier times of loss, rejection, hurt, disappointment, self-doubt, disconnection – in short – abandonment.  Outer’s primary role is defending (over-defensively) against the insecurity and fear seeping out of your old wounds.  Our most most automatic, knee-jerk defense mechanisms, especially the maladaptive ones, are driven by this fear. 

LEARN ABOUT CHILDHOOD ABANDONMENT TRAUMA

This subliminal but ever-present fear not only triggers Outer to act out in our love relationships, but the residual insecurity causes Outer to take everything to the extreme – sleeping, watching TV, drinking, spending money, cluttering, procrastinating.  For example, hoarders report that what motivates them to surround themselves with so much stuff is the subliminal fear that they’ll be left all alone with nothing and no one to care about them.

Learn more about Outer Child and Abandonment at abandonment.net. Also read Taming Your Outer Child:Overcoming Your Self-Defeating PatternsJourney from Abandonment to HealingThe Abandonment Recovery Workbookand Black Swan: 12 Lessons of Abandonment Recovery .

 

Abandonment / Outer Child Groups

SUSAN ANDERSON'S WORKSHOPS AND GROUPS FOR OVERCOMING ABANDONMENT AND SELF DEFEATING BEHAVIORS

Outer Child groups and workshops gain their depth and dynamic from zeroing in on the issue of abandonment – the source of most self-defeating patterns Hearbreak, loss, and abandonment left unresolved can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors.  

See Susan's Workshop Schedule

For instance, your Outer Child issues may be driven by love addiction -- a common pattern stemming from unresolved abandonment.  Did your breakup leave you addicted to abandonment?   Or perhaps the pain and anxiety from unresolved abandonment triggers you to sabotage yourself in other ways like over eating or overshopping or over people pleasing?    

The good news: The three self help tools of the Outer Child program bring powerful healing energy to the source of self sabotage -- primal abandonment -- and propel your life forward.  Groups help you practice these self help tools in a positive, safe, caring settting -- and motivate you to apply them to your daily life where you see positive change in action.  Group support intensifies and enhances recovery through positive peer pressure.  

Learn more about our groups.

Outer Child.net works in conjunction with abandonment.net to provide group support   Go to our sister site, abandonment.net for additional group services and to:  

Abandoholism

Do you have Love Addiction?  Abandonment Addiction?  Attracted to the Unavailable?  Need an Emotional Challenge?  Pursue Hard To Get Lovers?  Does this keep you in chronic abandonment? 

You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – abandoholism.  Abandoholism is the tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Abandoholism is one of Outer Child’s most dastardly patterns, and it is shared by millions.  Yes, millions are in chronic heartache.

See Susan's Workshop Schedule 

Abandoholism is similar to the other “oholisms,” but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak -- going through a breakup. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing – an intoxicating brew to which you become both physically and emotionally addicted.

What makes someone an abandoholic?

INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS -- a sign of love addiction AKA abandoholism

Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. When your wires get crossed like this, unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.

Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted. Your Outer Child has taken hold and got you caught up in a pattern of pursuing unavailable partners. You’ve become neuro-biologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it.

This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.

Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.

If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s potential to abandon you just when you start to attach.

At the other end of the seesaw, you start to turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.

How about following your gut?

If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into this mess in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses your subliminal fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity-buttons to create the aphrodisiac.

Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.

The emotional pendulum swing

Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and its correlate fear of engulfment.

Fear of abandonment: When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups[1] aiming straight toward them and it they run to avoid getting trapped (engulfed).

Fear of engulfment: at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, your sexual and romantic feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. You panic – it’s about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon other potential romantic options.

Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "S/he’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge."

Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.

 


[1]            Emotional Suction Cups coined by Peter Yelton ACSW

What is Abando-phobism?

Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.

Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are truly unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later.

There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic; the two outer child patterns can be interchangeable.

For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.

You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.

How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?

These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships. 

Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.

Why does the insecurity linger?

Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.  It becomes a repetition compulsion, otherwise known as an ‘Outer Child Pattern.’

Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you. For more about abandonment, go to www.abandonment.net For more about abandoholism, read Taming Your Outer Child..  

GROUPS to Overcome Self Sabotage

GROUPS FOR OVERCOMING SELF SABOTAGE AND ABANDONMENT

Dear Recovering Outer Children, 

Those of you involved in Outer Child support groups (and setting up abandoholics anonymous groups) are helping each other heal your collective wounds and overcome your patterns of self-sabotage. (See Susan's Workshop Schedule)

Outer Child groups gain their depth and dynamic from zeroing in on the issue of abandonment – the source of most self-defeating patterns. 

Creating Outer Child – Abandonment groups is as easy as following a recipe.  Groups can be facilitated on a peer-to-peer basis.  An easy-to-follow self-help format and 50 topic questions are available – enough to keep your groups running for a year or more.  

You can also get Training in Outer Child and Abandonment Recovery techniques from the author.  Attend one of Susan’s workshops. 

Use this link to join the member services at our sister website, abandonment.net, to:

For Mental Health Professionals 

Additional services for therapists include:  

All visitors to these sites can view your postings; whereas only members can post. 

Group Training

Group Training in Outer Child / Abandonment Recovery Techniques is experiential. You learn by performing exercises and sharing feedback within a supportive group setting. (See Susan's Workshop Schedule) Susan creates a safe, open, working, life-changing process within the group. Through training you:

         • Target Outer Child patterns of self sabotage. Outer Child is an overarching concept that encompasses defense mechanisms, character traits, knee-jerk reactions, habits and compulsions – all of your maladaptive behavior patterns.

         • Identify emotional triggers.

         • Connect dots between automatic defenses and primal abandonment fear.

         • Learn exercises that redirect attachment energy toward learning healthy new “automatic” behaviors.

         • Practice using new power tools to break through obstacles and propel you forward.

Abandonment component:

Through advanced training you learn to:

        • Discern acute abandonment crisis from chronic patterns such as mood or anxiety disorders, as well as long standing outer child patterns of self-sabotage.

        • Distinguish normal (albeit intense) abandonment grief from the onset of major depression

        • Identify acute symptoms of the emotional crisis of abandonment, including:

                 Re-emerging symbiotic feelings

                 Increased risk-taking

                 Neglected self-care

                 Anorexia

                 Suicidality

                  Panic

                  Need to self-medicate

                  Borderline regression and other forms of acting out

         • Identify chronic (versus acute) symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment. In "Journey from Abandonment to Healing (pages 41-42)" I outline a complete list of abandonment’s posttraumatic symptoms, which comprise what I have come to call the “outer child syndrome.”

                 Outer Child Post Traumatic Syndrome:

                 Difficulty forming primary relationships

                 Rejection-sensitivity

                 Poor self-image

                 Addiction

                 Co-addiction

                 Chronic insecurity.

        • Help clients work through tendency to get caught up in outer child patterns such as abandoholism or abandophobism, or stuck in one the five stages of abandonment grief.

        • Deal with the intense transference that our clients exhibit during their abandonment crises including (when their Outer Children are most triggered):

                Over-dependence upon therapist

                 Hostility

                 Missing appointments

                 Unrealistic expectations toward therapeutic process, etc.

        • Discern client’s tendency to temporarily revert to default defenses, i.e. becoming over-controlling toward the abandoner, punitive, self-abdicating, and outer child maneuvers.

        * Help the still fragile, narcissistically injured abandonment survivor move beyond protest, blame, self-denial, and acting out, and on toward emotional self-reliance, behavioral change, and increased capacity for love.

        * Learn effective new tools experientially within the safety and open sharing of a supportive group process.

Abandoholics Anonymous Meetings

Do you have an Abandonment Addiction?  Are You Love Addicted?  Caught Up In Cycles of Abandonment?  

Abandoholism is just like the other ‘oholisms.  And this addictive pattern -- addicted to the unavailable -- is more prevalent than anyone imagines.     

I would love to see 12-step-style meetings for “abandoholics anonymous” set up.  Once word got out, these meetings certainlhy would be well atttended.  Millions are afflicted with this love-defeating pattern.  

See Susan's Workshop Schedule

Please contact me with your interest in creating a program like this so we can post your prospective groups.  

Millions of people are caught up in this abandonment addiction. Many don’t realize it, but those who do find that awareness alone isn’t enough to break it.

Abandoholics anonymous meetings, once set up, would help people help each other break down these walls, uncross their “attachment wires,” and learn how to find, tolerate, and sustain love.  

You also have the option to join or set up Outer Child / Abandonment Recovery Groups. 

 

Meet Susan Anderson

SUSAN'S UPCOMING EVENTS AND WORKSHOPS 

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. Sept 25 - 29 2017  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday October 8 2017 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Our Self Defeating Patterns. Register   www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment
 or call 212 219 2527.

Kripalu in Mass. July 6 - 8 2018  Three day workshop in Abandonment/ Outer Child – Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. April 8 - 13 2018 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

Narcissism Conference NYC estimated dates April 27-29 2018, changes and specifics TBA.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 27 – 29 2018. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

BACKLOG

Kripalu in Mass. June 23-27 2017. Three day workshop in Outer Child – Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 28 – 30 2017. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

Adelphi University School of Social Work Fri, March 17 2017 9:00 AM - 4:00 PM. Seminar "Abandonment Trauma and Recovery Techniques"  Location is Hudson Valley, New York.

Adelphi University School of Social Work Fri, April 7 2017 9:00 AM - 4:00 PM. Seminar "Abandonment Trauma and Recovery Techniques"  Location is Garden City, New York

Adelphi University School of Social Work Fri, May 12 2017 9:00 AM - 4:00 PM.  Seminar "Abandonment Trauma and Recovery Techniques"  Location is Hauppauge, New York.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. Feb 25 - March 3 2017 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday October 30 2016 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/ or call 212 219 2527.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. November 13- 18 2016: 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child . Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org http://www.esalen.org/workshop/week-november-13-18/abandonment-healing-o...

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. May 29 – June 3 2016: 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

Munich Germany Abandonment Recovery Workshop June 15 – June 20 2016, https://www.facebook.com/events/1082532175114117/

Kripalu in Mass. June 24-26 2016. Three day workshop in Outer Child – Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 29 – 31 2016. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday April 19 2015 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at www.opencenter.org and http://www.opencenter.org/events/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/
or call 212 219 2527

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. April 26 – May 1 2015:  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

Kripalu in Mass. June 26-8 2015. Three day workshop in Outer Child – Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 17-19 2015. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. November 8 - 13 2015:  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday October 25 2015 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at <a href="http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/">http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/</a> or call 212 219 2527

Susan on “How to Overcome Self Sabotage and Heal Abandonment” on Jefferson Exchange March 11 2015.http://ijpr.org/post/forget-inside-taming-your-outer-child.

Unresolved Abandonment is source of Self Sabotage” on Conversations Live with Vicki St. Clair, March 9 2015 at 3:00 EST. http://conversationslive.net/podcastfiles/AndersonTarman.mp3

“Outer Child is in Control when you Least Suspect” Susan on Positively Incorrent with Scott Cluthe, March 3 2015.

Susan on “Self Sabotage and your Love Life” Feb 26 2015 on KEST Radio with Marlene Caldes, show: Conversations of the Quantum Age.

Susan on CBS Radio February 26 2015 with Dr. Alvin Jones WHFS AM Washington DC “How Abandonment Interferes in Relationship and Goal Achievement”

Radio Susan interviewed by James Swagger February 23 2015 "Healing Abandonment - the Root of Self Sabotage

Susan on Health Check February 13 2015 "How to Achieve your Goals by Taming Your Outer Child" with Heidi Godman WSRQ Sarasota 98.8 FM 1220 AM 

<a href="http://tunein.com/radio/Good-Vibrations-Radio-p168226/" title="Healing Abandonment and its Aftermath of Self Sabotage">Susan on Good Vibrations Radio</a> with Solazar Feb 9 2015

<a href="http://relationships2.podomatic.com/entry/2015-02-10T18_04_43-08_00" title="Self Sabotage in your relationships, diet, workplace">Radio with Susan on Relationships </a>2.0 Michelle Skeen Feb 10 2015

New World Library (@NewWorldLibrary) | Twitter https://twitter.com/newworldlibrary
<a href="https://twitter.com/newworldlibrary" title="Over Reacting Outer Child  ">The Janet Love Show – Outsmarting Overeating

Interview Magazine with @KarenRKoenig ... OUTER CHILD: An excerpt from TAMING YOUR OUTER CHILD by Susan Anderson
</a>

Susan on Cupids Pulse Radio  <a href="http://cupidspulse.com/83218/relationship-author-susan-anderson-interview-taming-your-outer-child/" title="how to stop sabotaging your relationships ">Cupidspulse.com! </a>

<a href="http://youtu.be/uJ5TBCE021U" title="Self Sabotage in the Workplace with Scott Passesser  ">Susan on News 12 Long Island Cablevision   </a>http://youtu.be/uJ5TBCE021U

Interview about self-sabotage in Magazine by Lindsy Van Gelder http://livinghealthy.com/articles/are-you-a-professional-self-saboteur

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Saturday Nov 8 2014 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/ or call 212 219 2527

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. Nov 16-21 2014:  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 18-20 2014. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. Nov 16-21 2014:  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. April 26 - May 1   2015:  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

 Germany: Augsburg.  Thurs May  8 @ 5PM – 10PM one-day intensive;  Fri May 9 @ 7PM – 9PM; Sat May 10 @ 10AM -3:00PM*:00 76-10, 2014 Abandonment Recovery Workshop registration into TBA

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. May 25 – 30 2014:  6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday June 22 2014 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/ or call 212 219 2527

Kripalu in Mass. June 27-9 2014. Three day workshop in Outer Child – Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday Feb 16 2014 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-our-self-defeating-patterns/ or call 212 219 2527

AbundantYogi.com Phone In, 6:00 PM EST Monday May 20, 2013 TAMING YOUR OUTER CHILD – Coaching and Support

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 19-21, 2013. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. August 11-16 2013. 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org.

Washington State, Olympia. Sept 27-29 2013. 3 day workshop in Healing Abandonment, Overcoming Your Outer Child Self Sabotage, http://www.phoenixinn.com/olympia/, registration details CANCELLED

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Saturday November 2, 2013 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday Nov 18, 2012 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527 http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming...

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Saturday May 11 2013 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527 http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-self-defeating-patterns/

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. April 7-12 2013 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 or go to www.esalen.org. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. Oct 28 – Nov 2 2012 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 20-22, 2012 Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. June 24 – 29 2012 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Saturday May 19, 2012 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Child Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527 http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-self-defeating-patterns/

Kripalu in Mass. April 27 - 29 2012. Three day workshop in Outer Child - Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. Oct 30 - Nov 4 2011. 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

New York News 12 JobLine Sept 15th, 2011    

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday Nov 13 2011 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527 http://www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing-overcoming-self-defeating-patterns/ 

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 29-31 2011. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.  

Kripalu in Mass. May 6-8 2011. Three day workshop in Outer Child - Abandonment Recovery. Register at http://www.kripalu.org/presenter/V0000781/susan_anderson or call 800 741 7353.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca. April 10 - 15 2011. 6-day intensive workshop in Healing Abandonment, Taming Outer Child. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

TalkRadioOne with Steven Spierer  http://www.talkradioone.com/files/SS040211.mp3 April 2 2011

PositiveLivingRadio with Patricia Raskin:  
http://rcpt.yousendit.com/1086682149/ef59505b2d6b864676d36dff40e30197 April 3 2011

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday Marh 27 2011 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Outer Chid Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org

KNEWS-FM "Conversations" with Charles Dyer March 7 2011 4:30 PM EST

Sirius XM, Channel 114, Topic: "Men's Health" with Dr. Joe Alukel on "Dr. Radio" Jan 19 2011 6:30 PM EST  

Beyond50Radio BROADCAST July 1 9:00 AM Pacific Time:  Overcoming Abandonment, dealing with Outer Child.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California Oct 17-22 2010. 6-day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop(featuring Outer Child therapy). Register at 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

San Quentin State Prison, PreRelease Program, Marin County, Oct 23 2010 12:00 Noon Healing Abandonment Workshop.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 16-18 2010. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery: Overcoming your Outer Child Patterns of Self-Sabotage. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday June 13 2010 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California May 9 - 14th 2010 6-day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop v(featuring Outer Child therapy). Register at 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org

Tucson Arizona April 25 2009. All-day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop at Divorce Recovery, register 520-297-2845 or www.nancybautzmann.com

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 24-26 2009. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California Oct 11 - 16 2009, 6-day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop. Register at 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California Winter 2009, January 18-23 2009 6 -day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop. Register at 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

Kripalu in Mass. Feb 6-8, 2009. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at www.kripalu.org or call 800 741 7353.

New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday Feb 15, 2009 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop in Abandonment Therapy. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

AAUW Long Island Lecture on "Exploring an Alternative Concept of Race" Monday November 17 2008 1:30-2:30 Sterling Glen 100 Landing Rd, Roslyn NY 516 626 6900.

Adelphi University, Authors Roundtable November 12 2008 6-8:00, Alumni House, Garden City, New York

Huntington NY Life Center October 30, 2008, Thursday evening workshop starting at 7:00 PM, register at 631 673 5433

New York Open Center in Manhattan Sept 28, 2008 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop in Abandonment Therapy. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California Fall 2008, August 31 - Sept 5 2008. 6-day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop. Register at 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon July 25-27 2008. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

February 28 2008 Huntington NY, Life Center Counseling -- Evening workshop starting at 7:00 PM, register at 631 673 5433

New York Open Center in Manhattan March 30, 2008 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop in Abandonment Therapy. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

Kripalu in Mass. May 30 - June 1 2008. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at www.kripalu.org or call 800 741 7353.

Pura Vida in Costa Rica May 10- 16 2008, a intensive workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Advance Registration
Learn more at http://www.puravidaspa.com/puravidaspa/planning/calendar.aspx?sortby=sty... (cancelled)

New York Open Center in Manhattan November 17, 2007 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop in Abandonment Therapy. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California Sept 2 - 7, 2007.
6-day intensive Abandonment Recovery Workshop. Register at 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

Learning Annex, San Francisco Calif, June 12, 2007 6:30-9:30P.M. Register 415 788 5500 or www.learningannex.com

Breitenbush Hot Springs in Detroit Oregon July 27-29, 2007 Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at 503 854 3320 or www.breitenbush.com.

Interview appearance on Hallmark Channel, New Morning "Journey from Abandonment" April 10 2007

Interview apparance on "Hearbreak and Abandonment" on CBS Early Show Feb 14 2007.

Kripalu in Mass. April 27 – 29, 2007 Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at www.kripalu.org or call 800 741 7353.

New York Open Center in Manhattan March 4, 2007 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop in Abandonment Therapy. Register at 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

New York Open Center in Manhattan October 29, 3006 All-day Abandonment Recovery Workshop 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. To register please go to www.opencenter.org or call 212 219 2527.

Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California September 3 - 8, 2006 Susan’s 6 day intensive workshop on Abandonment Recovery. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

Breitenbush Hot Springs in Detroit Oregon July 28-30, 2006 Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at 503 854 3312 or events@breitenbush.com.

Kripalu in Mass. April 7 – 9, 2006. Three day workshop in Abandonment Recovery. Register at www.kripalu.org or call 800 741 7353.

July 12 11:15-11:25AM ET
AUGUST 4 - 11:40-11:55 AMET
WSDE Radio- Albany, Schenectady, NY
Katherine Zox program

AUGUST 1 - 6:25AMPT/ 9:25AMET
CRN Radio Satellite Network Los Angeles, CA (CRN Digital Talk)
live national phone interview
Morning show - 10 minute interview
Jack Roberts

August 1- Monday 2PM MT/ 4PM ET
KRKS 94/7 KNUS 710 - Denver CO
Colorado Literacy Program
Host: Rich Cattarello
25 minute interview

August 2 - Tuesday 7:45PMPT/ 10:45PMET
Mary Jane Popp Show - KSAC Radio - Sacramento, CA Host: Mary Jane Popp

August 4 - 9:15-9:45AM ET approx.
Colonel Bob in the Morning
WIUOZ Radio- Raleigh/Durham NC
morning show

August 4- 11-noon PT/ 2-3PMET
KKNW - 1150AM Seattle WA
Pat Bacilli host
one hour show

AUGUST 4 - 11:40-11:55 AMET
WSDE Radio- Albany, Schenectady, NY
Katherine Zox program

August 17 -Wednesday 7-8PMET (6-7PMCT) one hour show
KAXE Radio- Grand Rapids Michigan
REAL GOOD WORDS SHOW - host is Heidi Holtan

Monday, October 24 5:30-5:45PMET
WAIF/ WRRS in Cincinnati Ohio
Mark Dewitt - host

JUNE 30 8:10-8:30 AM. WVMT Radio - Burlington, Colchester, Vermont and Canada
Morning Show with Charlie and Ernie. Charllie Papillo

JULY 8 -8:05-8:15 AM (10 minutes). WTBQ RADIO- NYC and Rockland County
Frank Truatt Morning Show

July 12 11:15-11:25AM ET (10 minutes). WSDE Radio- Albany, Schenectady, NY
Katherine Zox program

July 13 Wednesday 3:33-3:52PMET (20 minutes). Louisiana Live on Louisiana State Radio Network. 20 minute interview. Don Grady host and producer

July 19- 6:25AMPT/ 9:25AMET- RESCHEDULED TO 8/1
CRN Radio Satellite Network Los Angeles, CA (CRN Digital Talk)
live national phone interview
Morning show

July 20 5:44PMET (4:44PMCT) for 12 to 15 minutes. Drive Time radio show - WKCT Radio Bowling Green/Pedukah, KY
drivetime@93WKCT.COM

July 20 Wednesday July 20 11:45- noon CT/12:45-1:00PMET.
WFRX Radio, Clear Channel Radio - Marion IL & Northern IL.
15 minute interview

July 21 -Thursday 5:25-5:55PM ET. WRTN RADIO - NYC/Tri State Area
Dr. Dan Miller -host Real 25-30 minute interview

July 22 12:10 -1PMET - (moved from July 15)
Karen Stratman show on KLPW radio - St. Louis MO

October 30, 3005 New York Open Center all-day Abandonment Recovery Workshop 10:00 A.M. – 5:30 P.M. To register please go to www.opencenter.org or call 212 219 2527.

October 2 - 7, 2005 Big Sur, California @ Esalen Institute, Susan’s 6 day intensive workshop on Abandonment Recovery. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org.

February 20, 2005 Voice America with Patricia Raskin 6:00 PM.

May 19, 2005 Cleveland, Ohio, MetroHealth Conference, Keynote address: “Impact of Unresolved Abandonment on Relationships, How to Heal,” 1:00 – 3:00. For information, call 216 778 7800.

Early May 2005 Ireland, Intensive Workshop on Abandonment Recovery, details to be announced.

January 4, 2005 WBAI 8:30 AM "Wake Up Call" with Bernard.

January 13-16. 2005 Manhattan @ New York Open Center, Intensive training for mental health professionals, “Learning Techniques of Abandonment Recovery.” Register 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

December 13, 2004 Radio Talk Show: “Positive Living” WTKF- 107.3 with Patricia Raskin 2:00 EST

October 17, 2004 Manhattan @ New York Open Center, Susan’s all day workshop: Journey from Abandonment, 10:30 – 6:00. Register 212 219 2527 www.opencenter.org.

May 2–7, 2004 Big Sur, California @ Esalen Institute, Susan’s 6 day intensive workshop on Abandonment Recovery. Register 831 667 3005 www.esalen.org .

April 28, 2004 Hofstra University, Long Island, New York, Lecture: “Impact of Abandonment Trauma on Children and Learning,” 2:30-4:00 P.M., Student Union.

April 18, 2004 Manhattan @ IWWG Writer’s Conference, Lecture: “Writing as Healing Tool for Abandonment.” For information about time and registration, call 212 737 9469 iwwg@iwwg.org.

April 6, 2004 California KPFK.org Radio Talk Show: “Real Time” with Nita Vallens, 4:00 EST.

Ongoing: Manhattan and Long Island, Individual psychotherapy, couples counseling.

 

 

Washington State, Olympia. October 4- 6 2013. 3 day workshop in Healing Abandonment, Overcoming Your Outer Child Self Sabotage, http://www.phoenixinn.com/olympia/, registration details TBA

 

 

 

Questions for Media Interview

 1) What is Outer Child?  How does it relate to "self-sabotage"?

 2) How is Outer Child different from Inner Child?   

 3) What are "abandonment issues" and how do they cause us to develop self-defeating patterns? 

 4) What impact does Outer Child have on relationships and what can we do about it?  

 5) What makes someone “abandoholic" -- attracted to the unavailable? 

 6) What are other common Outer Child patterns? i.e. Procrastination, Overeating, etc. 

 7) Why are Outer Child patterns so hard to break?  (What are some neuro-biological reasons?) 

 8) How do we heal the underlying abandonment wounds that give rise to Outer Child?

 9) How can people get help?

10) Explain how the Outer Child Program is "physical therapy for the brain?"

Return to Workshop Schedule  

Alternate Questions

  • What happens when we let Outer Children act out our feelings of "insecurity"?  
  • How does "fear of abandonment" cause us to sabotage our relationships? 
  • Why are many Outer Children "love-challenged"?
  • Why do some Outer Children seek “emotional candy” instead of a real relationship?
  • How does unresolved abandonment cause us to implant an “invisible drain of self-esteem?”
  • How do we overcome our most deeply entrenched Outer Child patterns? 

10 QUESTIONS FOR PROFESSIONAL AUDIENCES (focused on Outer Child)

  • How does Outer Child fit with other theories of personality, i.e. Id, Ego, Superego?   Parent, Child, Adult? (for an audience that includes college graduates)
  • How does Outer Child relate to Freud's "id"? How does it differ?
  • What new scientific information informs new techniques for overcoming Outer Child patterns?   
  • How does Outer Child behaviors relate to the symptoms of PTSD? 
  • Why do Outer Children sometimes act "Borderline"?  How to overcome? 
  • Explain what the amygdala (ditto with hippocampus, basal ganglia, dopamine) has to do with Outer Child.
  • How does visualization help create change?  Does it work by placebo?  Do you have to “believe?” What makes one's imagination so powerful?
  • Why don't the tools of traditional psychotherapy (i.e. "catharsis" and "emotional insight") succeed in overcoming patterns of self-sabotage? 
  • How can we use the three-part framework of Outer Child, Inner Child, and Ault Self to create personal change? 
  • With a new framework that creates a separate identify for Outer Child's “acting out behavior,” what changes might occur in the field of psychology?

Author's Biography

BRIEF BIOGRAPHY

Susan Anderson, psychotherapist, has devoted the past 30 years of clinical experience and research to helping people resolve abandonment and overcome self-sabotage.  Founder of the Abandonment Recovery / Outer Child movementS, she is author of Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self Defeating Patterns; Journey from Abandonment to HealingBlack Swan: Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery; and the WORKBOOK: Journey from Heartbreak to Connection.

Return to Workshop Schedule  

FULL BIOGRAPHY

Susan Anderson is a psychotherapist who has devoted the past 30 years of clinical experience and research to helping people resolve their underlying abandonment wounds and overcome their “outer child” patterns of self-sabotage. She is author of Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Your Self Defeating Patterns; Journey from Abandonment to Healing; Black Swan: Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery; and the WORKBOOK: Journey from Heartbreak to Connection. Her books are translated into German, Japanese, French, Spanish, Korean, and sold internationally.

Anderson is founder of the Outer Child and Abandonment Recovery movements – complementary programs that propel people forward to reach their behavioral and emotional goals. Her websites www.outerchild.net and www.abandonment.net reach out to recovering people and clinicians throughout the world to collect input for her ongoing research in abandonment and acting-out patterns, and to provide community, group, and individual support. 

Through extensive clinical research, group work, and scientific study, she has developed a treatment protocol specific to overcoming the residual impact of abandonment trauma – maladaptive (outer child) defense mechanisms – in both adults and children. Her five universal stages of abandonment recovery (Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting) are based upon scientific findings related to the psychobiology of separation and attachment, as are her groundbreaking tools for overcoming “outer child” patterns of behavior.  

Through her books and public appearances, she speaks passionately from personal and professional experience, sharing experiences with her own outer child, abandonment, grief, and recovery. Anderson has spent the past decade working with children, compiling anecdotal data on the impact of primal abandonment scenes in their everyday lives, ranging from losing a pet or being “new kid on the block” – all the way to child abuse or death of a parent.  Children’s traumatic experiences, both large and small, trigger patterned responses which too easily become new “learned behaviors” in a developing child. 

An experienced group therapist and workshop leader, Anderson developed a parenting education program to increase community awareness about issues affecting children and help strengthen family bonds. This award winning program won an annual $300,000 Federal grant to be replicated throughout the New York State (and is ongoing). 

She runs Outer Child- Abandonment Recovery Workshops for lay audiences and training courses for professionals, and makes appearances at universities, conferences, national radio and television to increase public awareness and provide support for recovering people.  She speaks on the related topics of relationship-repair, behavior change, child abuse, heartbreak, divorce recovery, post traumatic stress disorder, parenting techniques, addiction, and “racism: the ultimate human abandonment (global outer child behavior).” 

Some of the post graduate training externships and programs converging in her work include training in systemic family therapy, psychoanalytic psychotherapy, addictions specialty (CSAC), and bereavement. She has worked extensively in psychiatric hospitals treating the gamut of diagnostic categories associated with abandonment triggers and entrenched acting out behaviors, including addiction, bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, conduct disorder, and schizophrenia.  

Anderson has been active in community group work, developing clinical programs within agency and day treatment settings; conducting psycho-educational workshops within school systems; providing group supervision to a Drug and Alcohol Agency; and providing social work internships for Adelphi Graduate Social Work Program. Anderson’s journal article entitled “Peer Model of Adult Education,” published by Jossey-Bass, Spring 1999, shares her expertise as a group therapist and workshop leader. 

In addition to her national tours to promote her program, she continues in private practice in Manhattan and Long Island.

 

Workshop Description

SUSAN ANDERSON'S WORKSHOPS FOR OVERCOMING SELF SABOTAGE AND ABANDONMENT:  3 SELF HELP TOOLS TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE 

HEALING ABANDONMENT /  TAMING YOUR OUTER CHILD  /  CLAIMING YOUR FUTURE 

"The aftermath of abandonment is self-sabotage.  Of all human fears abandonment is the most primal," says Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist who specializes in helping people overcome self-defeating behaviors that stemg from unresolved abandonment.  "Left unresolved, this deep personal wound lingers beneath the surface where it undermines self-esteem, triggers behavioral responses, and interferes in our relationships."  Susan shares powerful emotional tools - that act like physical therapy for the brain -- to heal the underlying source of self sabotage -- unresolved heartbreak, trauma, and abandonment. 

Return to Workshop Schedule  

Susan is founder of the Outer Child - Abandonment Recovery movements and author of the internationally acclaimed Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and her latest, Taming Your Outer Child: Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self Defeating Patterns.

HEALING THE SOURCE -- UNRESOLVED ABANDONMENT, HEARTBREAK, LOSS, TRAUMA

In this workshop, Susan presents a highly effective program of emotional and spiritual healing that provides the means to reverse the universal wound of abandonment and overcome your automatic acting out patterns. Participants learn:

  • Tools that target your “outer child” patterns, including “abandoholism”
  • The five stages of grief specific to grief and loss (S.W.I.R.L.)
  • The five mental exercises that correspond to each stage
  • A mind / body program called "Akeru" that propels personal growth and healing
  • Neuro-biological processes that underlie emotional and behavioral processes.

Whether your outer child behaviors are holding you back, or you’re experiencing a recent break-up, a lingering wound from the past, or struggling to find someone to love, this workshop helps to restore your sense of self, overcome your most entrenched patterns, and reach your potential for life and love.  MORE SPECIFICS ABOUT WORKSHOPS

BRIEF BIO
Susan Anderson has devoted the past 30 years of clinical experience and groundbreaking research to helping people overcome self-sabotage and resolve their underlying abandonment wounds.  Founder of the Outer Child - Abandonment Recovery movement, she is author of Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Your Self Defeating Patterns; Journey from Abandonment to Healing; Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery; and the WORKBOOK: Journey from Heartbreak to Connection.

For more info on her work, visit www.outerchild.net and www.abandonment.net. 

Personal Words

PERSONAL WORDS FROM SUSAN ANDERSON 

Thank you for your honest, open, insightful submissions of Outer Child characteristics.  Outer Child is the part of the personality that attempts to defend us against all kinds of hidden wounds - especially the primal wound of abandonment.  Your inner child feels them and your Outer Child acts them out -- inappropriately.  Outer Child is the hidden nemesis – the harbinger of your self-defeating patterns.

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Thanks to your input, you have helped to make the complex system of Outer Child defense mechanisms, habits, and traits come alive for my readers and recovering Outer Children everywhere. 

I have incorporated your submissions into the Outer Child Inventory on this website.  The list grows steadily.  People from all over the world write to me daily with new insights. 

I’ve spent over a decade researching and writing about Outer Child.  Taming Your Outer Child offers the latest in techniques for overcoming self-sabotage and reaching your potential.  Its ability to change behavior is what sets the Outer Child program apart from others.

As many of you know, Outer Child developed in response to anxiety, fear, anger, insecurity, and other uncomfortable feelings.  When, in childhood, we experienced disappointment, disconnection, loss – in short abandonment – we did what we could to cope with the primal fears, forming the basis for our oldest, most difficult-to-break patterns. 

Attachment energy gets thwarted as we go through life. Lesions form, both large and small, in the dense tissues of the myriad bonds we’ve created with people, places, and things.  These faulty connections activate Outer Child’s most entrenched patterns, especially those that interfere in our love relationships. 

The Outer Child tools are designed to tap into this powerful attachment energy and redirect it toward healthy new behaviors.  And they are easy to use.  You incorporate them into your daily life. 

Suppressing your pain and turning away from the feelings is how Outer Child gained a stronghold in your personality in the first place.  The tools tap into the source of its knee-jerk reactions and allow you to administer to your long forgotten needs for the first time. 

The program takes you on a delightful journey to the center of the self, all the way to the molten core of feeling where you discover a wellspring of healing, personal growth, and behavioral change.